This question has been winding around my mind over the past week. It’s a chant - maybe more a challenge from myself as I begin to reflect over what has been and what is yet to come.
I’m a firm believer that every single choice we make is fuelled by either love or fear. Think through your choices - you’ll see. Even the choice to hate someone is fuelled by love or fear. How love and fear fuel these choices is complex and personal.
I cook my son breakfast out of love - because I truly hate getting out of bed in the mornings. But, I don’t speed out of fear. I already have a speeding ticket and I’m terrified of getting another one. I wish love for myself and others was the fuel but really, I’m more afraid of the speeding ticket.
I am a single mother - Love.
I have a mortgage - Love (maybe a bit of fear too).
I have decided to home educate my son - Love.
I share these choices with you to give a little context for the words that shall follow.
I am not at all a holiday person. I don’t like themed things. However, there is a sort of reflection and looking forward that I experience during December that is restorative and necessary. Maybe it’s doing my taxes or planning my next year of projects, aims, and desires but fear is rushing through me. There are so many what ifs, so much money to pay for tax and so many questions I must answer.
I am a full-time freelance artist - a dancer, choreographer, writer, director and anything else that excites me. That’s it. I have no other source of income, no family money, no partner, no nothing. There is only me and my art to support myself and my child.
That is a choice I have made out of love.
Love for myself and the passion and belonging I feel in this work;
love for my son and the beautiful world of creativity and art he gets to grow up in;
and for the communities of people my work reaches.
I believe in the arts. I believe in my art.
However, in these moments, when fear rushes, sometimes it takes hold of me. There is so much to be afraid of in this world - not just right now, but always. These times aren’t special, there has been pain and joy, love and hate, fear and freedom for as long as we have existed. I don’t say these things to minimize the state of our world today, but to remind us of all of the suffering and all the joy.
So, when I feel that pull toward panic, when I feel pulled to make a choice out of fear, it’s then that this challenging chant rises within me.
Love or fear?
Love or fear?
Love or fear?
It’s not magic.
It doesn’t erase the fear I feel at being the sole provider for my son while arts funding is being cut.
It doesn’t take away the knowledge that it is my responsibility to ensure this child has not only everything he needs but also a life worthy of his brilliance.
And it really doesn’t make me forget that freelance artist life is anything but stable.
What it does do however, is remind me that I still have a choice.
It’s easy to feel overwhelmed, like things are just happening. But I do have a choice. I could wrap it all up and find stable employment.
I choose to remain.
I choose to create.
I choose to be a dancer, choreographer, writer, director, and anything else that excites me.
Because love is, and always will be, what fuels me.
Now, this isn’t a sappy, head in the clouds kind of love. This is a resilient, flexible, strategic kind of love. And if there comes a time when stable employment is what is best for us then that will be my choice too - but out of love and never fear.
This choice between love and fear doesn’t end when I decided to work as an artist. It also extends to what opportunities and roles I apply for and accept.
Will I panic and apply for 100 things out of a fear that I’ll never work or will I seek out those roles which most excite me and align with my values and goals for my career?
Will I caste a wide net and apply for 100 opportunities to allow myself the chance to learn something new and meet new people or will I seek out those roles that bring me the most comfort out of fear I will fail at something new?
See. It isn’t simple. It’s personal. And it isn’t about reframing a choice made out of fear - it’s about sitting with yourself and acknowledging your true feelings and supporting yourself to make the choice that brings the most love and joy to your whole life.
